I've taken inspiration this week from the wonderfully witty Brit in Bosnia, (who in turn was inspired by 3 Bedroom Bungalow) to dash off a series of postcards....
Dear Fellow Parents who borrow Library DVDs,
I am not sure what you let your children do to the DVDs that you borrow from the library. Or perhaps it is your dog? Every week we find at least one that looks as if it has been chewed, stamped on, or gouged on the underside with a hypodermic syringe. You blatantly return these to the library without confessing the crime, only for some other unsuspecting parent to take them out and have to deal with their distraught offspring howling that their chosen film isn't working.
Yours, having to explain why there will be no Lion King today,
The fact that I am always returning DVDs and telling you they are broken does not mean that MY children are the ones wrecking them. I know my boys are rather noisy and noticeable at the Library, and I'm sure that if I did leave them alone with the DVDs with a packet of felt tips and a pair of scissors, they would do untold damage, but I am careful not to let them handle the disks. So please stop giving me the evil eye when I hand them back - or I will just return them damaged like everyone else.
Yours, trying to be a good citizen,
Dear Long Island Drivers
Yes, it's great that the snow is finally melting. But you don't seem to have noticed that there are huge puddles everywhere and you plough through them at high speed in your huge, f-off 4x4s. I know my car is smaller than yours, and therefore I don't count, but I do not particularly relish getting showered in muddy water every time I pass you. Would slowing down be too much to ask?
Yours, cross and wet,
Dear American broadcasters,
I'm really gutted that the Winter Olympics has finished. It was great watching it, NBC, even though you delayed all the exciting live events until the evening's primetime viewing (have you not heard, it's the 21st century?). But what has happened to the TV shows I was watching before the Olympics? House, Gray's Anatomy , Flash Forward- all seem to have disappeared from the schedules mid-series and you are simply running repeats. And that was after a six week break from Thanksgiving until January. How on earth do you expect anyone to follow what is going on when you keep taking breaks?
Yours, thinking of trading in the TV permanently,
You were very brave when you threw up the other night at 3am. It must have been horrible, and I felt terribly sorry for you. But we are going to have to wean you off the large amounts of ketchup that you insist on eating. Because pink sick is really not nice, and it's also very difficult to get out of white bedclothes....
Yours, scrubbing the mattress,
It's great that you have finally mastered toilet training. You are doing all your wees in the potty now, and it was a lot easier than I expected. Now, if you could just manage to do the poos in there too, rather than waiting till bedtime and doing them in your nappy, that would be just perfect.
Yours, still spending a fortune on baby wipes,
Thank you for asking me to do a presentation about some element of our native culture. It's great that you want to get the parents involved. But I must confess I am a little stuck. Tabloid reading and binge drinking were the first things that came to mind but somehow I don't think you would be impressed by those topics. Then I thought of doing a talk on Shrove Tuesday, but how on earth would I demonstrate pancake flipping in a classroom? I am also stumped when it comes to dressing the boys in traditional British dress one day next week. Would an England football strip do?
Yours, not feeling very creative,
The Littleboys' mother
(Seriously, if anyone has any ideas on the above, let me know!)